To conceal to ease my pain

To conceal

Trying to concentrate on the road ahead, thoughts are racing around my head.  The years that I had tried to forget about Billy.  The boy who smashed my heart into a thousand pieces, the night before I found out that my life was about to change forever.   I never thought I would see him again.  We don’t know in life what is about to happen. We should never say never.

Choosing to conceal the truth had not been easy but I couldn’t let Billy hurt me again.  Over the years I’ve felt guilty hiding Charlie, but until today it hasn’t been a problem.  When he asks about his dad, I say that I don’t know where he is.  This has always been the truth until now.

Charlie’s eighteenth birthday party and the day that I had the greatest shock / surprise in eighteen years eight months. My choice to conceal our son from him had been up to me, I hadn’t expected Charlie to go and find him.

My husband Tim was out with his mates as usual, not interested in his step sons’ birthday party. Billy wants me to throw Tim out but I can’t. Surrounded with the merriment of trifle, ice cream, cake and party balloons, we were busy playing pin the tail on the donkey.  As there was a knock at the door, Charlie jumped up,

“I’ll get it.”

I wondered who it was, all the guests were here.  Standing with a scarf still over my eyes I heard,

“Hello Trish”

The voice

I hadn’t heard that voice in years.  Ripping of the scarf, I screamed,

“What the hell are you doing here?”

The room went silent.  All the guests shocked. My friend Melanie, ever protective , said

“Billy you’d better leave.”

“I’m not leaving, my son invited me.”

“Your son, you don’t know your son, he’s not your son.”

“Sorry Trish, the figures add up and unless you cheated on me, then he’s mine.”

I groaned, looking at everyone sitting around me.  This was Charlie’s eighteenth, not the time for his parents to have an irrational slanging match.

“Come on Billy, garden, Mel can you watch the party.”

Melanie’s face dropped, I think she expected me to throw him out,  not invite him for a chat.

“Err okay, will do”.

Billy

I had forgotten how much I once loved this man. Charlie looked a lot like him and over the years I had caught many glimpses of Billy.  However, I never thought that Charlie would find him and he would turn up at my house.

“So, Trish, what you been up to, other than raising our son without telling me.  I’ve missed eighteen years.

“You dumped me the day I found out I was pregnant.”

“Yes, because you weren’t into me.  You were more interested in going drinking with Mel.”

I thought back to Melanie’s words eighteen years ago.  Play hard to get Trish.  He won’t be interested if you keep running to him.  Come out with me, come on let’s have fun.

“Oh Billy, why the hell did you just end it?  Of course, I wanted you but Melanie was my best friend.  Billy I was just eighteen, same age as Charlie now.”

“Well in that case, I was eighteen too.  Too young to be working at an adult relationship.  Too young to be rational, I just thought you didn’t want me. I ended it before you dumped me”.

Charlie

“I was heartbroken when you finished it, then I found out about Charlie.  Mel said not to tell you, said you wouldn’t be interested as we were finished.  So, sorry but I continued to conceal him.”

“And what’s going on here?” my stomach turned over.  There red faced was Tim, worse for wear after an afternoon of drinking.

“Trish, I tried to stop him,” said Mel.

“Out of my way you daft bint,” he pushed her roughly.

“Now hang on a minute, mate.”

“Billy, stop.”

“Oh great, this is the oh so fabulous Billy.”

My heart sank with embarrassment, this was not how I had imagined ever facing Billy again. Watching the two men now, Billy looked stunned and Tim like he wanted to hit him.

Tim

“Tim, Charlie invited Billy to his party. I didn’t know he was coming.”

“Hmmm likely story”.

As he raised his arm towards Billy, I stepped in the way.  Unfortunately, he hadn’t foreseen me do this and I caught it straight in the face.  Falling to the floor I could feel a bruise appearing on my jaw.

“Trish, that was meant for him not you”.

“That doesn’t matter.  No need for violence.  Billy is innocent here, he’s only known about Charlie for a few weeks and that’s only because Charlie found him”.

“Sorry, I saw red.”

“Tim, go and sober up.  We are just talking.”

We watched him walking back to the house.  Then Billy sat down sat to me.

“Trish, I do wish you had told me you were pregnant.  Your decision to conceal him was wrong.  I did love you back then, and hmm I’ve never stopped thinking about you.”

“Do you have other children?” I asked.

“Yes, Rachel, she’s eleven”.

“My Deborah is twelve”.

“Are you still with Rachel’s mum?”

“I was up till a few weeks back when I found out she is cheating with her boss.”

“So, you ended up with a cheat, and I married a man child?”

A smile

A smile spread across his handsome face.  “We have wasted nearly nineteen years.  I came here angry at you Trish and now I’m concerned and wanting to know you again.”

“I want to see you too, just wish you hadn’t dumped me then.”

“Sorry, well this was one time when you shouldn’t have listened to Melanie.  You two always were together”.

“Yes, and we still are.  She is a huge support to me, though she hates Tim.”

“For once, I think we might agree on something.”

I looked at him, smiling back at me.  With an ache in my heart I know I still want Billy. I should never have tried to conceal Charlie.

Tim is now standing in the doorway.  I know what I want but I don’t want to be hurt. I need to be strong and finally stand up to Tim.  This is not going to be easy.

Written for Blog Battle – Conceal

For more, see Tea, sympathy and a need to fix things