Today is the day

Today is the day,  a day come all to soon, a day I would rather just pull up the duvet and hide from the world. I lay here, thoughts racing around my head.  The familiar feeling of needing the bathroom and the sun on my skin welcoming me to a new day.   Knowing I had to face this I mechanically go about my ablutions and head downstairs for breakfast.  Nothing I can do about it, today is happening.

Looking at my phone, messages from my friend Jodie – telling me to break a leg!  Why do people say that? And what if I do break a leg?  This was her fault, she had encouraged me to do this and she really should be coming with me, but no, as a nurse she is needed at the local hospital.

Checking my watch, I put my bowl and mug in the sink, and finish getting ready.  My clothes are all neatly waiting for me on my chair.  Something flashy, something that will get me noticed.  For years I have been performing in pubs and clubs, I even have a small following on Facebook, but today was something else.  From a pub to a stage in London with possible further promotion to forward my singing career, I knew I should do it but I was shaking with anticipation.   I don’t want to be working  on a supermarket checkout forever and Jodie says I am talented.

On my way

Leaving the house, I see the same people daily.  The same cars and the same little lady on a push bike.  Nodding and smiling hello she smiles back, I walk hastily by as I can sense she is looking twice at my trousers.

Later sitting on the train, I pull the information out of my bag and read it again.  ‘Talent in the UK, become a singing star.’  Do I really want this? I don’t know, but I am going to see where this takes me. Going through my music in my head I know I can do this, but it it normal to be shaking so badly?  I pull my water out of my bag and take a sip, feeling it going down my throat I feel a little better but wonder if I really should be doing this.

London

Arriving at the talent auditions I can see a busy crowd.  I am grateful for a fixed time slot, queuing and not knowing when I was going on would be agony.  Finding an armchair, I watch those around me. Men wearing make-up and woman in tight trousers, tops and dresses, with their hair sprayed, sticking up in all directions. I look down at my clothes – black flared trousers with pink sparkles, high black comfortable trainers, no I’m not squeezing my feet into high heels for anyone, not even ‘Talent in the UK’.  My black, silver sparkly short sleeved top, and hair maybe needing to be checked after my journey but certainly not so full of hair spray that it stands up like a porcupine.

Is it normal to be ignored at these things? Sipping water I could not face anything else. Watching people drinking wine and beer and eating cake, how can they do that? Do they really have such a high opinion of themselves that they feel well enough to effectively party.  Possibly a party before one of the most important auditions of their lives.

The room is grand, like an exclusive hotel but not, this the main Theatre bar. Stars adorn the walls, the greats, I can feel my heart jump, will I hang there one day?  I had written a song for my performance and then decided to sing something known.  I didn’t want to over complicate things by singing a song that I can see they hate.  The fear of the judges pushing their buzzers in disapproval, I don’t want that.

Time

Looking at my watch, time seems to have slowed down.  I see others go on, very few reappearing smiling.  I ask myself again, why am I doing this?  My job at the ‘Payless Supermarket’ is okay, it pays my rent, and I can eat.  I can continue my singing as a hobby. As I talk myself out of it, I hear my name – ‘Jilly Timmings.’  Pushing myself out of the armchair, I am greeted by a kind looking lady who shows me to a dressing room.

“You will be fine Jilly, get yourself ready, calm down and we will call you when we are ready.  Should be about ten minutes”.

I thanked her and sat in the neat room.  There was a large mirror, and I can see that I looked like I had seen a ghost. Getting my hairbrush, I tidied it again, telling myself I can do this.  If I can successfully sing to a pub, surely, I can sing to a larger crowd.  Today is not just about passing this audition it’s about the future.  The stages I will be expected to sing on, the albums I might be expected to promote.  Looking at the attractive twenty-five-year-old in the mirror, I said out loud,

“You can do this, it will be okay, today is the day.  Just sing to the judges and worry about the next bit later.”  Pulling myself together I then hear a voice over an intercom,

“Jilly Timmings.”   Standing up, this was it.

The stage

From the darkness of the corridor to the lights of the stage, I could hear ‘Abba’s – Super Trouper going around my head, no wrong song.

Walking on the stage the judges smiled, two men and one woman, this was it. My future could start here.  As I hear the sound of hoof beats and the music start, I knew I just had to sing.  ‘Belinda Carlisle – Runaway Horses,’ singing all the ooohh, I can see the judges smiling.  The lady was even rocking in her chair.  My heart filled with joy and the smile grew on my face. I can do this, I love singing.

Finishing to applause, surely that was good enough. Feeling shaky again I now needed to answer the judges.

“Why Runaway Horses?” asked the lady.

“I’ve always loved the song and I admire Belinda Carlisle”

Then I was asked.

“Why did you not perform something of your own? “ Why this question?

“I didn’t want to over complicate things  so thought I would sing something we all knew”.

“Jilly”, the man asked, “on your application you included, ‘A song for me’ – written and put to music by you, we would love to hear it.  You included the music so would you be happy to sing it now?”

I stand their dumbstruck.  They liked my song, this was not the time to be saying no, I’ve sung it enough times before, I just was not prepared now.

“Yes, of course if you really want to hear it.”

My Song

As I hear the music, I start singing ‘ A song for me’.  A song about the pain of being alone and then the happiness of finding friendship and love.  The judges smile at me and I have the overwhelming feeling of doing something I love. This is why I sing and this is why Jodie told me to audition.

Finishing the song, one of the judges stands up.

“Wow, thank you Jilly, you are a star.  We will be in touch, please can you speak with Mrs Marshall on your way out, you will see her as you leave the stage. You have been successful and will go through to the next stage”.

Thanking them, I left shaking again and soon saw Mrs Marshall,

“Jilly, you are alright, stop shaking, you are amazing.  I am Emily Marshall, lets talk”

Today – success

Today has been a whirlwind of emotions. From the fear of performing, to speaking with Emily Marshall.  Yes I was through to the next stage of ‘Talent in the UK’ but Emily Marshall was a music producer and wanted to work with me on my music.  It was her that had asked the judge on his ear piece to ask me  to sing ‘A Song for me’ and she had loved it.

So, what now? do I hand in my notice at the ‘Pay less Supermarket’? Am I about to become a music Superstar? Today has been a good day.  Telling  myself a day at a time, stop panicking, I sit back and listen to the rhythm of the train and hug myself, well done Jilly, well done!

Written for Blog Battle – Nervous

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For more see – The greatest love (Short fiction story) – Just muddling through life