On the road

Tell me, why is it that when life finally gets good, it quickly turns bad?  After working and building on my hopes and dreams, here I am, again on the road alone.  I had it all, a husband and three kids, and now they have gone too.  Unable to fix myself, a burden to others I packed up my backpack, wrote a note, walked to the busy highway and stuck out my thumb. Now miles away from home I sit and contemplate my life.

When I met Lewis, I had been working in a school. Assisting the teachers and helping the children. After a poor work review, I quit and was soon packing groceries in the local supermarket. Depression hit; this wasn’t me; I had a university degree and should be doing more.

Then expectations from the children. Drive me here, drive me there, help me with my homework.  Cook my dinner and no I don’t want the same as my sister. Lewis just sitting playing with the TV remote control, of course his job was harder than mine!

Life

Is this just normal life or should we be demanding more? I am an expert at letting life push me down. My heart was well and truly in my boots and I’m not sure if I can sink any further.  Looking at the world around me I watch a squirrel running up a tree, busily going about its day. Would my life be easier if I was a squirrel? I’m sure squirrels have their worries and problems too.

Dragging myself off the floor, I glance at the road ahead.  I pick up the heavy pack and check my phone, As I suspected, no messages, 9am and they were pleased to be rid of me. They must have sorted their own breakfasts, got them selves to school.  See I knew they didn’t need me to chauffeur them.

Last night

James and Glen, had sat watching the big house. They saw the woman leave, with what looked like a heavy pack on her back, she had walked straight passed the car and headed at a fast pace down the road.  They wondered if she knew what was happening, was she running? Surely not.  However not their problem. Their job was the man of the house, Lewis. Accountant to his family but guilty conspirator to their boss. Their job was to put a bullet in him and if they failed then they would be the ones found dead.

Attaching a silencer to the gun, James slid out of the car while Glen sat and watched. This job had to be done right. Twenty minutes later he reappeared. Having broken in the back door he now could confirm that the deed was done.   Their plans were now safe, Lewis would not be repeating anything.

Lucie

Lying in her bed she saw a black shadow.  It wasn’t daddy, It was too tall. Pretending to be asleep she lay still. As the shadow left she heard a scraping sound then a possible muffled scream. She was scared, pulling up the covers she wanted mummy, she would know what to do.

10 am

Sat in a road side café I was warming my hands on my coffee mug. Looking at my phone I wondered why Lewis hadn’t messaged or phoned, Surely, I didn’t really mean nothing to him. As it rang, I jumped, it was the school.  Maybe he hadn’t managed this morning like I thought he would.  As I answered I felt myself sink even further.   The children had not arrived, and Lewis was not answering his phone. At the offer of a welfare visit, I asked myself how had things got this bad? Surely their dad wasn’t this incapable. I remembered the squirrel, was its life simpler? Foraging for food, looking after its family and staying away from predators.

Apologising I advised that I was miles away and consented to the visit. Hoping that things were alright at home.  Knowing they would let me know if there was something wrong. An hour later my phone rang again, and my life fell apart once more.

Home

In life there are no certainties. Did I really think I could just walk out? Just hit the open road. I had let life’s pressures get the better of me. Now I was suddenly a single mum.  Lewis hadn’t even known I had left. Why hadn’t he told me that he was in trouble? Had this contributed to his arrogance over the last year?

Holding Lucie, it appeared she had seen her dad’s killer, a dark shadow in the doorway.  At ten years old she would possibly be traumatised for life. If I had been lying in bed next to him, would I have been shot too?  I do love my children, but their demands are relentless, it was Lewis that had finally driven me away but now it really is just me parenting alone.  I had wanted to leave but I didn’t want him dead.

Now was not the time to be discussing this. We are all heartbroken and the police are investigating and trying to keep us safe. No school or work for a while, there would be time for the four of us to talk properly and try and start to rebuild our lives.  The police have referred me for counselling, but I haven’t told them the full extent of my mental exhaustion. The children need me now, guilt and mixed sad emotions are weighing me down.

Lewis

Would life ever be good again?  For now, we are in a safe house, The police are saying that Lewis was not a bad man, but he had been mixed up in something through his business. They suspected that he had been a loose end that had needed cutting off.  We didn’t need to be loose ends as well so until the killer was behind bars we remain here where no one can find us.

Hold on to those you care about, the future is not certain. Had I saved myself by leaving? We will never know, but I do know that my children need me.  Maybe they are my purpose and I’m not such a failure after all.

Written for Write the story on Writers Unite!

For more see, The cold truth behind the shoes on the line