A year ago today, my dad was heavily sedated and we his family were with him.  A few hours earlier today he asked the Community Nurse if he would see Christmas.  He was told no and of course he cried.  It was a few hours later that due to being in so much pain he agreed to take the pain medication which meant, no more conversations with him, ever.  A year ago I spent a restless night sleeping on the floor behind my parents settee.  None of us left him, we all stayed and mum was on the settee next to him.  A year ago was a truly heart breaking time and somehow we all have to face tomorrow,  I will be at work but I haven’t got a clue how I am going to stay strong and professional.

I am writing these stories to help raise awareness and fundraise for  Pancreatic Cancer UK . They are not all cancer related but I’m explaining the reason for writing them on each one.

Lizzie

The door opened and there she stood, covered in mud and laughing.  Always a happy child Lizzie had never been interested in dolls or make up.  More interested in her brothers construction vehicles. The yellow dumper truck interested her more than the wooden rocking horse.  Did it matter that she had now insisted on having all her hair cut short?

Her beautiful blonde curls bounce around her shoulders and I’m reminded again of how much she looks like her dad.   Lizzie and Julian were as close as a father and daughter ever could be.  Taken from us too soon we had both suffered his loss.

From trying to work through our financial mess, to doing my best to support Lizzie.  Trying to keep us both strong, my shield has had to stay firmly up and on guard.  She has returned to school, nurtured by her friends and teachers. However, children can be unnecessarily cruel, they have their families, unable to understand what has happened.

My Shield

Struggling from day to day, with my shield coming down leaving the school gate and up again for work.  In the office I’ve become a robot.    Too many people, who don’t actually care, asking me how I am. My shield goes up around anyone I know, I can’t let them in.  Once I do, I know my inner dam will break and then I won’t be able to carry on.

I have no choice, Lizzie needs me, and she needs to cry, I can’t break now.

Every day I walk the long way to the office from school.  Taking in a circuit of the park and seeing the ducks reflecting in the water is good therapy.  Time for my own thoughts, time away from what is going on.  I sit day after day on the same bench, trying not to wallow but needing the space.  Julian is always there, when I talk, I know he can hear me, he’s sat with me on the bench, and I know he always will be.

Leaving the park, I always feel sad, but the bills need to be paid.  While filing paperwork is not my dream job, we need the money more then ever.

Weekend

The weekend is always special, but it is hard.  I have to keep things safe for Lizzie.  There is no time for myself, spending quality time together, I can’t bear us to be apart when she is not at school.

The two of us are alone, losing Julian was sudden and a shock. Friends have given up on me, that’s if they were friends in the first place. Loss scares people away, they don’t know what to say and so often they say the wrong thing.

Stuck in our cocoon we are safe, closing the door to all those around us.

I know there will be a time when I will need to talk, face my feelings head on.  For me, I’m fighting a hamster wheel of despair.  Lizzie is managing to be brave now and she has cried many tears.   We are nearing a year without him, they say it gets easier in time, I’m not sure if it does.  Just somehow, we accept things differently.  Grief never goes away, it’s a constant reminder of the person we love so much.

Though we can’t see our loved ones, I believe they are there, with us all the time like Angels on our shoulders.  Always watching out, we do need them as they still need us.

Here is my fundraising page, any size donation is appreciated.  Written for A story a day for Pancreatic Cancer UK

I do believe my dad is always with me, I just wish I could actually see him, hold him and have a lengthy conversation.  So often I need his advice but he is no longer here in this world to ask.

Written for Pancreatic Cancer UK – For Everyone Affected by Pancreatic Cancer – raising awareness and fundraising to help research into this terrible illness after losing my dad, November 2020.

Written from first sentence from Gloria Mcbreen – Blog – Rambles of a Raring Writer (wordpress.com)

Fire

When the bell rang, I should have just got out, that is the fire procedure.   Thinking that someone had just burnt their toast, I was the only one who stopped in the locker room for my coat and bag.   I didn’t want my stuff to burn if there is a fire.   Hearing a crash, I slowly turned around to see the ceiling caving in on me, my way out was blocked.   Pulling out my phone in a surge of panic, surely this wasn’t really happening.

Frantically dialling Belinda, she needed to know that I’m stuck here.  This can only happen to me, and it adds to my latest catalogue of disasters.   From forgetting to set my alarm today to putting gravy in my mug instead of coffee.  Last night I ended my relationship with Billy, upsetting my five-year-old daughter who adored him.  Together a year but we weren’t going anywhere, I want more children, he doesn’t.

Stuck in the locker room I contemplated climbing the rubble, but I know if I do; I might get crushed by a roof girder. As Belinda answered I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Hey Charlotte, where are you?”

“I’m stuck by the lockers, the roof has collapsed, get me out of here.”

“Heck, the firemen are here, I’ll talk to them.”

Fear

As I listened to Belinda, my life began flashing in front of me.  Was I going to die in here? Should I be saying goodbye to Billy? And what about the school for Lucy?  Who was going to pick her up? Looking at my watch it is now 2.00 pm. Starting to panic more this really is a mess.  Hearing Belinda screaming at the firemen, I made the decision to phone Billy.  I had finished with him but Lucy needs collecting.  Hanging up on Belinda I could hear crackling and now took off my jumper.  The room was getting hotter as I dialled Billy.

“Charlotte, hi”

“Hey sorry, Bill” Fear now climbed through me and through tears I now spoke. “The office is on fire, I’m stuck”.

“Charlotte, oh my God, I’ll be straight there.”

“Bill, could you pick up Lucy, I’m going to be late.”

Priorities

If I live through this, I need to rethink my priorities.  Stop making mistakes, go to bed earlier, more awake to manage the day.  I’ve always put Lucy first, is this right? Who should come first? I need to make time for me.  Jumping at the phone, Belinda’s name flashes across the screen.

“Charlotte, you’re on speaker, they’re still putting out the blaze and trying to get to you.  You okay there?”

Crying again, I replied, “I’m scared, am I going to die?”

“Charlotte, I’m Mike, we are trying to get to you, the building is not safe.”’

What did that mean?  “Am I going to die?”

“We are looking at plans for the building and trying to get to you.”

I’ve never been as scared as I am now. Stuck in a burning building on the first floor, how are they going to rescue me?  As my phone rings again, Billy’s name flashes on the screen. With smoke filling the room I now laid on the floor. Gasping for air I ignored the phone.  Closing my eyes, the room disappeared, and I was stood in a beautiful field.  Am I in heaven?

The firemen

As the letters on the side of the building fell, Belinda worried about her friend.  With the firemen desperately fighting the flames it had been too long.  Phoning Charlotte she was no longer answering, and Billy had now arrived with Lucy.

“What’s happening Bee?”

“The building isn’t stable and she’s on the first floor”

“Where actually is she?”.

“In the locker room. The roof has collapsed. They’re trying to get to her.”

As Billy started running, the firemen stabilised the ceiling.  Risking their lives for a woman no longer answering her phone.

Crawling into the tight space, Ben breathed into his oxygen tank.  He had done this many times, and so often he was left carrying out a dead body.

The field

Staring at the beauty around me, I felt a sense of peace.  Around me were people laughing and singing.  Happiness flowed here, as children were dancing, people were happily eating and chatting.  Fruit trees stood abundant, there for anyone and the grass was greener than I had ever seen grass.  An intense sense of peace surrounded me, wild animals stood relaxed, there was absolutely no fear.

As a lady I recognised approached me, I heard her say,

“Charlotte.”

It’s been years since I lost my Grandma, this lady looked like a younger much healthier version of her.  Free of the constraints of humanity, I wanted to hold her again.

“Charlotte, you shouldn’t be here.”

As I wondered what she meant, the field and its beauty disappeared and I heard a man’s voice.

“Charlotte, can you hear me? Charlotte.”

As I began to cough, I became aware of my environment, the smoke-filled room and black boots next to me.

“She’s awake, hello Charlotte, I’m Ben.”

An oxygen mask was now put over my face as they carried me out of the building.  Arriving at the ambulance I was laid on a bed with a blanket over me.  I could hear Lucy and Billy, I could see Belinda who was now happily talking to one of the firemen.  Only Bee could find something positive in my sad situation.

Billy

After the building collapsing and my accident, we are now working from home.  Bee did date the fireman but as with any other relationship she soon got bored. Lucy begged me to give Billy another chance.  I’m not sure, but I’ve learnt that life is too short to give up on a man who hadn’t done anything wrong and who loves me.

I will never forget that field or my grandmother, but I know when it is my time I will no longer be scared.  We have one life and we all need to live it as best as we can.

Focusing now on my family, I can hear them laughing downstairs, pushing my paperwork away, I smile and now go to find them.   Will we stay together? I don’t know, we can only try, a day at a time and see where life takes us.

Here is my fundraising page  if you would like to donate, any size donation is appreciated.  I am hoping that my dad is happy in the beautiful field with his family, my grandparents and that he really is at peace.

Written for A story a day for Pancreatic Cancer UK – Just muddling through life