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To conceal to ease my pain
To conceal
Trying to concentrate on the road ahead, thoughts are racing around my head. The years that I had tried to forget about Billy. The boy who smashed my heart into a thousand pieces, the night before I found out that my life was about to change forever. I never thought I would see him again. We don’t know in life what is about to happen. We should never say never.
Choosing to conceal the truth had not been easy but I couldn’t let Billy hurt me again. Over the years I’ve felt guilty hiding Charlie, but until today it hasn’t been a problem. When he asks about his dad, I say that I don’t know where he is. This has always been the truth until now.
Charlie’s eighteenth birthday party and the day that I had the greatest shock / surprise in eighteen years eight months. My choice to conceal our son from him had been up to me, I hadn’t expected Charlie to go and find him.
My husband Tim was out with his mates as usual, not interested in his step sons’ birthday party. Billy wants me to throw Tim out but I can’t. Surrounded with the merriment of trifle, ice cream, cake and party balloons, we were busy playing pin the tail on the donkey. As there was a knock at the door, Charlie jumped up,
“I’ll get it.”
I wondered who it was, all the guests were here. Standing with a scarf still over my eyes I heard,
“Hello Trish”
The voice
I hadn’t heard that voice in years. Ripping of the scarf, I screamed,
“What the hell are you doing here?”
The room went silent. All the guests shocked. My friend Melanie, ever protective , said
“Billy you’d better leave.”
“I’m not leaving, my son invited me.”
“Your son, you don’t know your son, he’s not your son.”
“Sorry Trish, the figures add up and unless you cheated on me, then he’s mine.”
I groaned, looking at everyone sitting around me. This was Charlie’s eighteenth, not the time for his parents to have an irrational slanging match.
“Come on Billy, garden, Mel can you watch the party.”
Melanie’s face dropped, I think she expected me to throw him out, not invite him for a chat.
“Err okay, will do”.
Billy
I had forgotten how much I once loved this man. Charlie looked a lot like him and over the years I had caught many glimpses of Billy. However, I never thought that Charlie would find him and he would turn up at my house.
“So, Trish, what you been up to, other than raising our son without telling me. I’ve missed eighteen years.
“You dumped me the day I found out I was pregnant.”
“Yes, because you weren’t into me. You were more interested in going drinking with Mel.”
I thought back to Melanie’s words eighteen years ago. Play hard to get Trish. He won’t be interested if you keep running to him. Come out with me, come on let’s have fun.
“Oh Billy, why the hell did you just end it? Of course, I wanted you but Melanie was my best friend. Billy I was just eighteen, same age as Charlie now.”
“Well in that case, I was eighteen too. Too young to be working at an adult relationship. Too young to be rational, I just thought you didn’t want me. I ended it before you dumped me”.
Charlie
“I was heartbroken when you finished it, then I found out about Charlie. Mel said not to tell you, said you wouldn’t be interested as we were finished. So, sorry but I continued to conceal him.”
“And what’s going on here?” my stomach turned over. There red faced was Tim, worse for wear after an afternoon of drinking.
“Trish, I tried to stop him,” said Mel.
“Out of my way you daft bint,” he pushed her roughly.
“Now hang on a minute, mate.”
“Billy, stop.”
“Oh great, this is the oh so fabulous Billy.”
My heart sank with embarrassment, this was not how I had imagined ever facing Billy again. Watching the two men now, Billy looked stunned and Tim like he wanted to hit him.
Tim
“Tim, Charlie invited Billy to his party. I didn’t know he was coming.”
“Hmmm likely story”.
As he raised his arm towards Billy, I stepped in the way. Unfortunately, he hadn’t foreseen me do this and I caught it straight in the face. Falling to the floor I could feel a bruise appearing on my jaw.
“Trish, that was meant for him not you”.
“That doesn’t matter. No need for violence. Billy is innocent here, he’s only known about Charlie for a few weeks and that’s only because Charlie found him”.
“Sorry, I saw red.”
“Tim, go and sober up. We are just talking.”
We watched him walking back to the house. Then Billy sat down sat to me.
“Trish, I do wish you had told me you were pregnant. Your decision to conceal him was wrong. I did love you back then, and hmm I’ve never stopped thinking about you.”
“Do you have other children?” I asked.
“Yes, Rachel, she’s eleven”.
“My Deborah is twelve”.
“Are you still with Rachel’s mum?”
“I was up till a few weeks back when I found out she is cheating with her boss.”
“So, you ended up with a cheat, and I married a man child?”
A smile
A smile spread across his handsome face. “We have wasted nearly nineteen years. I came here angry at you Trish and now I’m concerned and wanting to know you again.”
“I want to see you too, just wish you hadn’t dumped me then.”
“Sorry, well this was one time when you shouldn’t have listened to Melanie. You two always were together”.
“Yes, and we still are. She is a huge support to me, though she hates Tim.”
“For once, I think we might agree on something.”
I looked at him, smiling back at me. With an ache in my heart I know I still want Billy. I should never have tried to conceal Charlie.
Tim is now standing in the doorway. I know what I want but I don’t want to be hurt. I need to be strong and finally stand up to Tim. This is not going to be easy.
Written for Blog Battle – Conceal
For more, see Tea, sympathy and a need to fix things
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A life in a sad wretched mess
Wretched
She sat rocking backwards and forwards, chewing on her hair, she knew she appeared wretched. Feeling like there were constant black clouds overhead. Hitting rock bottom had hurt and for the thousandth time she analysed her situation.
A single mum caught stealing underwear from the local department store, and now being threatened with prosecution. How had she got here? Somewhere she had taken a wrong turn.
Nicky had always looked to Rob for everything. He had been her rock. He had been with her through university and all her struggles. All the times she had doubted herself and the jobs she had given up. Now she was in a completely wretched state.
After verbal abuse from daughter Fiona, she had found herself on one of her usual shopping sprees. Now on her descent into madness, she had felt her life spiralling as if she was falling off a cliff. Her life was ruined and now Fiona hated her.
Rob – one year ago
As he started up the engine on his old Ford, the rain was bouncing off the tarmac. Putting his foot on the accelerator, he thought about Nicky and hoped that things would be better when he got home. Things had been bad for a while and since meeting blonde haired, no strings, Joanna, he had found solace in her arms.
Arriving home that day he knew it was over as he walked in the door. As Nicky leapt at him in one of her rages he reacted badly. That was it, throwing Joanna’s name into the argument, he added fuel to the already hot fire.
Their marriage was over, and as Nicky watched him leave, she could feel her heart breaking and her tears fell easily.
Present day
Fiona was now twelve years old, desperate for her mother’s love. Hormones kicking in and bouncing between her parents. Confused by her mother’s state she was pushing back and scared.
Nicky had reached bottom, after losing the love of her life, she then lost her job. Sacked after complaints from clients. Once efficient at cutting and dying hair, she hadn’t meant to give Mrs Barnes bright red hair and a severely short Bob. The last straw had been giving Mr Deans a skin head when he had asked for a grade two. Unable to concentrate on her work, and with her mind focused on her problems she kept sinking.
With her daughter hurling abuse at her, and her life crashing around her she needed something to make her feel better. Without a job she was struggling to put food on the table let alone manage retail therapy.
Today
This was her biggest mistake. With an urge for new underwear, empty bank account and no space on her credit card she found herself sat with a muscly security guard in the back office of the posh knicker shop. Annoyed with herself for getting caught, she wondered why she hadn’t attempted to steal them through the self-checkout in the supermarket.
Sensing the burly man’s eyes, she was feeling awkward.
“Nicky Marsh?”
“I was, and you are?”
“Geoff Francis. I remember you from French class. That was before I started going to the gym. So, why are you stealing knickers? The manager is on her way.”
Shocked, she didn’t know what to say. Her life had descended into a nightmare and now someone who knew her from school had caught her stealing frilly knickers and a bra. Nicky didn’t recognise Geoff but did remember his name. Feeling defensive, she didn’t know what to say. Thinking this couldn’t get much worse, she could feel her face turning red and a warm clammy feeling overtaking her mind.
“Nicky, I know you have never noticed me, but I have always liked you. Despite this wretched situation, I can help you out here. This doesn’t have to end in prosecution. Boss is quite nice, just not too keen on thieves”.
Tears now flowing, she needed a friend. She hadn’t expected to find him whilst stealing from the knicker store. Hearing the door open behind her, she could feel her tears flowing faster.
Amanda
“Right, so what do we have here?”
“Sorry, Amanda, I think there’s been a misunderstanding”.
Nicky sobbed, “I’m so sorry, this shouldn’t have happened”.
“Amanda we’ve been talking and this isn’t what it looks like.”
“Geoff, please leave us alone.”
Touching Nicky on her shoulder he walked out of the office.
“I’m so sorry. I don’t normally steal knickers,” Nicky stammered.
“Look I can see you are distressed. If you’re caught here again, we will prosecute.”
Wiping her eyes, she knew she was getting away with it. A second chance, she needed this.
“I won’t do it again, sorry.” Sniffing Nicky picked up her bag, pushed her chair back and stood up.
Needing to get out she took deep breath and looked at Amanda.
“Thankyou.”
A need for change
Nicky knew she had to sort out her life. She couldn’t continue being this wretched mess. Leaving the shop, she noticed Geoff watching her. She wondered what he was thinking, he was nice looking and had been kind to her.
“Nicky.”
Turning around, she saw Geoff.
“Nicky, if you want to ever meet up, here is my number. We can talk, I’m a good listener.”
Stunned she took his card, smiling she now headed for home. Hoping that things would get better, she thought about Fiona. Only twelve and right now needing her mother. Nicky knew she had to sort herself out. She needed to finally stop falling.
Written for Blog Battle – Wretched
For more see A need to be liberated, cry for freedom
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A need to be liberated, cry for freedom
A need to be liberated
What is wrong with me? After reading through Facebook, again, I’m stressed and I’m almost crying. Due to my husband’s medical concerns, we have been shielding since March. Staying at home and not allowed to go anywhere. I went out last week, I happily met a friend and the children, their school friends. Since then I have worried daily that we might have caught the virus.
How do you handle this? I’m a fairly anti-social person. I’m happy to not have to go out. But what about when I want to go out, but can’t due to fears of infecting my husband? Trying to protect him, we have only been out once. Is this really fair on the children?
We have a human need to be liberated. My husband wants to go out too, but really, I’m hoping it gets extended. Yes, I’m going mad but I’m worried that the numbers are still high. He wants to get his hair cut. I tell him there’s no point putting himself on a ventilator for the sake of his lock down hair.
Other people
Other people are happily meeting up. Some are forming social bubbles. Us, we are stuck together, just us four. It’s a good job we get on but right this minute I want to cry.
The need to liberate myself, the want to walk the kids to the shops and visit the library. The human need for freedom. Instead there’s a virus that could potentially take daddy away from us. Yes, I’m scared and even contemplating cancelling our holiday in October. It’s in the UK, but are we really going to be able to relax? I don’t think so.
In March we were unwell. We hoped that we had the virus and my husband was struggling with breathing. However, the swab test was negative. Now, the antibody test is out but it appears just as unreliable as the swab test. So, what is the point? People have been shown to have a positive swab test and then a negative antibody test. Others a negative swab and then positive for antibodies. I’m not sure what this means, but could it suggest that having it doesn’t necessarily mean immunity?
Difficult time
This is a rubbish time for many people. For us it has meant arguments as very little alone time. Home schooling and working from home. I sit in the car once a week and run the engine. I will also drive her about half a mile up the road and back. Yes, I’m saving money on diesel.
Regularly checking forums and Google for updates on shielding is not helping my anxiety. Why couldn’t the government just tell us what their plans are? We have been coming to our own conclusions and it is scary.
Imagine being told you can’t go out. Then told you can go out, but once a day, but only with your own household. Then faced with the prospect suddenly that shielding is over, and you are back to work.
We are both worried. The children are happily just arguing about home school and my daughter has been learning about Sea Cucumbers. We watched a video on them today, they are absolutely disgusting.
However, if you are interested in buying some (anything purchased through my blog will earn me a small amount of commission which will help pay for my blog.) Here is a link for Sea Cucumbers. They are expensive but considered a delicacy. Ewwwwwww imagine barbecuing them! If you have eaten sea cucumber please do let me know in the comments. What did they taste like?
Home Schooling
COVID 19 has brought with it, for me some positives. Where some parents are hating home schooling. I’m enjoying helping my son. However, my daughter leaves me wanting to cry as she will protest and say no. On a good day she makes me very proud. On a bad day, anxious and worried. It’s hard not to worry when it’s all over Facebook, Netmums and the news about children falling behind. They then talk of extra school in August. My seven-year-old might need it, but my nine-year-old has been working hard every day for weeks. He’s working an average of four hours a day. I couldn’t ask him to do any more than he is.
So, here we are. Stuck together until things dramatically change. Will the government extend shielding? I hope so. Will it be until the R rate is down to a level that we are comfortable with? I don’t know.
I’ve had comments from those that have been going out throughout this pandemic. Lack of understanding of how hard it is when you have been isolated for so long.
I know I need to stay away from Facebook. Stay away from the happy people seeing each other after weeks apart. We have a while to go yet before we can be fully liberated. I don’t think I will completely stop worrying till we are vaccinated and known to have active antibodies.
Loss of freedom
This virus has taken away our freedom but it has meant more time together as a family. I’ve also been able to play a part in the children’s education that I never thought I would. Researching subjects in order to try and pass that knowledge on. I’m not a qualified teacher but I’ve tried my best and I hope I’m doing a good enough job.
I’m hoping by Christmas this will be something we are talking about rather than still living through. The children need to return to school and I want to see friends without worrying, and read Facebook without feeling my eyes watering up.
I know there are others with far worse stresses, but for now I just want my husband and family to be safe and the anxiety to go away. Liberation will for now, just have to wait.
How have you dealt with Lock down? Have you been shielded? or able to go out maintaining two metre distance of course.
Hopefully this nightmare will soon be over for all of us.
For more see Betrayed and death by flute
Written for Blog Battle – Liberate
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