A need to be liberated, cry for freedom
A need to be liberated
What is wrong with me? After reading through Facebook, again, I’m stressed and I’m almost crying. Due to my husband’s medical concerns, we have been shielding since March. Staying at home and not allowed to go anywhere. I went out last week, I happily met a friend and the children, their school friends. Since then I have worried daily that we might have caught the virus.
How do you handle this? I’m a fairly anti-social person. I’m happy to not have to go out. But what about when I want to go out, but can’t due to fears of infecting my husband? Trying to protect him, we have only been out once. Is this really fair on the children?
We have a human need to be liberated. My husband wants to go out too, but really, I’m hoping it gets extended. Yes, I’m going mad but I’m worried that the numbers are still high. He wants to get his hair cut. I tell him there’s no point putting himself on a ventilator for the sake of his lock down hair.
Other people
Other people are happily meeting up. Some are forming social bubbles. Us, we are stuck together, just us four. It’s a good job we get on but right this minute I want to cry.
The need to liberate myself, the want to walk the kids to the shops and visit the library. The human need for freedom. Instead there’s a virus that could potentially take daddy away from us. Yes, I’m scared and even contemplating cancelling our holiday in October. It’s in the UK, but are we really going to be able to relax? I don’t think so.
In March we were unwell. We hoped that we had the virus and my husband was struggling with breathing. However, the swab test was negative. Now, the antibody test is out but it appears just as unreliable as the swab test. So, what is the point? People have been shown to have a positive swab test and then a negative antibody test. Others a negative swab and then positive for antibodies. I’m not sure what this means, but could it suggest that having it doesn’t necessarily mean immunity?
Difficult time
This is a rubbish time for many people. For us it has meant arguments as very little alone time. Home schooling and working from home. I sit in the car once a week and run the engine. I will also drive her about half a mile up the road and back. Yes, I’m saving money on diesel.
Regularly checking forums and Google for updates on shielding is not helping my anxiety. Why couldn’t the government just tell us what their plans are? We have been coming to our own conclusions and it is scary.
Imagine being told you can’t go out. Then told you can go out, but once a day, but only with your own household. Then faced with the prospect suddenly that shielding is over, and you are back to work.
We are both worried. The children are happily just arguing about home school and my daughter has been learning about Sea Cucumbers. We watched a video on them today, they are absolutely disgusting.
However, if you are interested in buying some (anything purchased through my blog will earn me a small amount of commission which will help pay for my blog.) Here is a link for Sea Cucumbers. They are expensive but considered a delicacy. Ewwwwwww imagine barbecuing them! If you have eaten sea cucumber please do let me know in the comments. What did they taste like?
Home Schooling
COVID 19 has brought with it, for me some positives. Where some parents are hating home schooling. I’m enjoying helping my son. However, my daughter leaves me wanting to cry as she will protest and say no. On a good day she makes me very proud. On a bad day, anxious and worried. It’s hard not to worry when it’s all over Facebook, Netmums and the news about children falling behind. They then talk of extra school in August. My seven-year-old might need it, but my nine-year-old has been working hard every day for weeks. He’s working an average of four hours a day. I couldn’t ask him to do any more than he is.
So, here we are. Stuck together until things dramatically change. Will the government extend shielding? I hope so. Will it be until the R rate is down to a level that we are comfortable with? I don’t know.
I’ve had comments from those that have been going out throughout this pandemic. Lack of understanding of how hard it is when you have been isolated for so long.
I know I need to stay away from Facebook. Stay away from the happy people seeing each other after weeks apart. We have a while to go yet before we can be fully liberated. I don’t think I will completely stop worrying till we are vaccinated and known to have active antibodies.
Loss of freedom
This virus has taken away our freedom but it has meant more time together as a family. I’ve also been able to play a part in the children’s education that I never thought I would. Researching subjects in order to try and pass that knowledge on. I’m not a qualified teacher but I’ve tried my best and I hope I’m doing a good enough job.
I’m hoping by Christmas this will be something we are talking about rather than still living through. The children need to return to school and I want to see friends without worrying, and read Facebook without feeling my eyes watering up.
I know there are others with far worse stresses, but for now I just want my husband and family to be safe and the anxiety to go away. Liberation will for now, just have to wait.
How have you dealt with Lock down? Have you been shielded? or able to go out maintaining two metre distance of course.
Hopefully this nightmare will soon be over for all of us.
For more see Betrayed and death by flute
Written for Blog Battle – Liberate
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30 Comments
Cheryl
Hi Marian, your post has made me a bit teary. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. I can’t imagine the stress that you are carrying at the moment. I could give you all kinds of advice, but I won’t because I’m not living this (I’m not you) and I don’t know everything that’s happening in your world. I’ll just say this, look after yourself, and know that you are doing a tremendous job looking after your kids, dealing with being ill, worrying about your husband’s health. You will get through this, it will end. One more thing, it’s ok to cry (I wrote about it last week on my blog). Give yourself permission to ‘break down’ from time to time. Lock yourself away in the bedroom (so you don’t scare the kids) and sob for as long as you need to. I would hold your hand while you cry if I was there. Take care of yourself. xx
Just muddling through life
Thankyou Cheryl very much. Yes I did see your post and commented, you are very brave.! I just want this nightmare to end and to all be safe and not have to worry about this nasty virus.
willowdot21
Hi Marian , I am so sorry hear how the lockdown is still affecting you. It’s so hard, I can empathize but not know how you feel. I can offer you my support. Nothing lasts forever and things will improve. I have not been around much of late or blogging, it a long story but this may help explain why.https://willowdot21.wordpress.com/2020/06/16/what-day-is-it-anyway/ sending you hugs and courage you are doing a great job 💜💜🌹
Just muddling through life
Right this minute I’m struggling. I’ll feel happier if shielding is extended… but I also want freedom, can’t have both and safety must come first. My head is racing!
I read your post, hope you are doing better. It’s a really rubbish time! X x
willowdot21
It’s such a difficult time for everyone. I think we all want to break free but sense must prevail. We will get through this 💜💜💜
Just muddling through life
Yes it is. It’s a day at a time I think. Take care Willow xxx
willowdot21
You too 💜💜💜
debrapurdykong
From what I’ve seen on the news about the UK, it certainly sounds like you’re not alone! I think of each and every day as one step closer to a vaccine. Like you, I’m not that social, so self-isolating is not as large a problem for me as it is for some, and my kids are grown up, which is quite different from your experiences. Here in British Columbia, restrictions are relaxing quite a bit, which is both good but risky as I see people filling the local mall again. My daughter’s baby will be born in late July and I don’t know if I’ll be allowed into the hospital, but if all goes well, she won’t be in long and we can visit from a safe distance at her home. Strange times indeed!
Just muddling through life
Yes people are very quick to race back to the normality of shopping and going out. Very risky and I’m sure it will create more cases.
Congratulations on your daughters new baby and being Grandma, really hope all goes well!
debrapurdykong
Thank you, Marian. It’s a little disconcerting for her to give birth during a pandemic, but as it turns out my daughter has four more friends & colleagues who are having babies later this year. This is turning out to be quite a year.
Just muddling through life
Wow I guess for her then her friends and her will support each other right now with any pandemic fears… this is not a year that will ever be forgotten!
debrapurdykong
Yes, they all share a unique bond by giving birth during a pandemic. Decisions will have to be made about how many friends & family can be near the newborn. Lots to think about!
Just muddling through life
Yes lots of things to consider. Hope all goes well!
tidalscribe
We are confused, my husband is in the two million very vulnerable, but at least I was mentally prepared as he came out of hospital disabled just before lockdown with me his new carer – I knew we would be confined to home, but I didn’t imagine that would be completely confined with no visitors and no family!
Just muddling through life
Yes and so is mine. I’m happy to be at home but the children want to see their friends and I now want to see mine. The mad thing now is the government haven’t said if shielding is ending 30th June. We are worried that he will go from shielding and seeing no one, to back to work in a hospital on the 1st July. It is really hard isn’t it. Confined to home and see no one else. Hope you are both doing okay, it’s been a long road!
Sue Eller
I am so sorry for your struggles. I live in Washington State in the USA, and we have been in stay-at-home mode since the second week of March. It has certainly changed my life. I try to focus on the positive aspects. I have done more writing and editing. I have learned how to get along better with my husband (since we are empty-nesters) and we have forged a whole new dimension in our marriage. I try to call a friend or family member or two each day, just to stay in touch. We have had people come over to visit from time to time — mostly our children and their families. We have a big yard with lots of space for gardening (veggies and flowers both), and room for social distancing for our company. I get stir-crazy sometimes, and I miss my people, but I know it won’t last forever. I hope you can get through this time safely and sanely. Take care.
Just muddling through life
Yes it is certainly better to focus on the positive. My family haven’t really had time apart since March. We have had arguements over home schooling but I have enjoyed it, it has been an interesting experience.
I have struggled with my writing as distracted by the virus. It’s nice that you have supportive friends and family,. We’ve seen very people and I’ve seen just one friend.
Yes this would be so much harder without a garden. This is a rough time, you take care too!
Gary
I feel your anxiety Marian. Poor leadership, poor opposition, poor “news” reporting. It adds to confusion and stress during something of this magnitude. Where I am is now ranked as fifth in infection rate in the U.K. Fortunately I live in a small village and am extremely aware of my surroundings when I go out…which isn’t often re shopping and invariably very early in the morning to avoid the majority.
Facebook I find quite bad too. I never quite know if positive comments about happy families are more synchronised swimmer smiles hiding something else. Thing that really frustrates me though is most people are probably quite compliant to the circumstances, but to see raves, beaches and demonstrations (irrespective of the cause) during a pandemic is something I struggle with. Every pandemic starts at the individual level with no mass infections. Ground zero so to speak. All I see both here and in other countries is multiple ground zero potentials. No social distancing and selfish attitudes. So hard to put into words sometimes x
Just muddling through life
Thanks, yes it’s hard and now there’s talk of a second wave. With all the people on the beaches and protests that’s easy to believe.
Right now so many fears and I just want life to go back to normal.
As you say every pandemic starts at the individual level.. If everyone stayed at home then the virus would be less likely to spread.
Now the decision to reduce social distance makes it more scary. X
Gary
The God Strain in action. At least that was my premise. The start of the end. In fact I’ve noticed many dystopia type films and books are set after the event. I find the human element is missed sometimes. The actual point where a society collapses. Where you go from, say, one day is normal and the next civilisation teeters toward collapse. I guess it’s why I’m watching behaviour wrt panic buying and civil disobedience with this lock down with writing eyes. It tells you collapse is very possible. It also tells you most people won’t even see it coming until too late. Bit like climate change or mass pollution with things each individual doesn’t see as a collective problem.
I also think first wave pandemic has already bled seamlessly into second wave onset already. The US cases are growing rapidly, Leicester is locked down and I think a few more places will edge that way over the next few weeks. Here might well be next as our town is showing high infection rates too. X
aebranson
Hopefully writing this bit proved to be cathartic for you. From a writer’s perspective, I’d suggest you keep notes like this and use them later in your fictional writing. The depth of emotion will sound great in a story later on. It’s kind of like the silver lining around a cloud: Some of our best work comes from our greatest pain. Take care … and ignore the news as much as you can!
Just muddling through life
Thankyou! That is good advice! Yes its hard not to watch the news and worry.
Dee | Grammy's Grid
I’m hoping this nightmare will soon be over too! Praying you will be able to make it until it all ends and things get back to normal. Ew, the sea cucumber does not look appetizing!!
Just muddling through life
Thanks! I’m hoping that the R keeps coming down and that all the predictions of a 2nd wave don’t happen. I want the world back to normal and everyone safe. No I don’t fancy eating sea cucumber. If you Google them there are videos of them pooping, that will really put you off eating them. We all poop but the sea cucumbers look especially yucky!
Dee | Grammy's Grid
OMG, I found a video and it says they’re poop is really good for the ecosystem and that what comes out is actually cleaner than what goes in! WOW, interesting!!
Just muddling through life
Ha ha, that is interesting! So their poop is good but they look disgusting.
Dee | Grammy's Grid
This is so funny, Marian! Can you believe we’re discussing poop? How funny is that? 🙂
Just muddling through life
ha ha but Sea Cucumber poop is such an interesting subject..
Dee | Grammy's Grid
True, very interesting subject. Read my comments, can’t believe I wrote they’re poop instead of their poop!!
Just muddling through life
ha ha I hadn’t noticed.