Fountain Lake and my family

Written for Pancreatic Cancer UK – For Everyone Affected by Pancreatic Cancer

For my dad who died of Pancreatic Cancer 8^th November 2020.  Raising awareness and fundraising to try and help prevent people in the future from feeling our heartache.  Research needs to be done and now is the time for change.

Fountain Lake

Pulling my coat around me, pain seared through me.   How do you cope with loss? When people leave us its always going to hurt. Finding myself truly alone for the first time in years, I sit making rock circles in Fountain Lake.  This has always been home, the lake is always here, a constant source of comfort.  As the wind howls through the trees, I relive the past.  Happier days, days spent without fears of losing those we love.

We are only here a short time.  I’ve learnt that we need to make the most of now.  As the ducks call to each other across the water I think of friends I once knew.   Much has happened in my life, people come and go, very few stay.  Time is precious and people come into our lives for a reason. Reflecting on my life I know why things have happened.  At the time though some of it really hurt.

Years ago, I moved away from here.  Persuaded to leave by a man, the temptation of him, a new town a different story. Finding him late, things could have been so different. I left the lake and all I knew.  I left it for a dream of a different life one that changed me and has left me broken.  Why do bad things happen?  Yes, there is a reason, but bad things really hurt.  Bad things make ne cry, like my heart has been turned inside out.

My husband was a good man, but he died young, cast a cruel hand by our maker.  Our children adored him and so did I.  Today I still cry for him, and I didn’t ever imagine that I’d be sat here at eighty crying over someone else.  I’ve lost friends but this is different, losing that special someone hurts more than anything and I’ve now done it twice.

My family

Woken from my thoughts I hear voices, coming home has meant I’m back with my family.  I’m back with those that love me.   My children have had their problems, but we have always been here for each other.  Children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, we are family and are together again.

Loss is always hard, whether it be a parent, lover, child or friend.  My family had begged me not to leave with Roy.   After losing David I was lonely, missing him terribly. Roy had showed me attention it was a friendship that developed into more.  A different love, no one will ever replace David, but Roy had helped me to laugh again.  He showed me that I have so much more to live for, even at the age of seventy, when I said my last goodbye to Roy.

As the children are paddling in Fountain Lake, I am aware of my son watching me.  Always a caring considerate boy he knows my world has once more fallen apart.  I had known Roy since preschool, he was the boy who had irritated me by pulling my pig tails.  In secondary school I developed a crush on him, but he didn’t look at me.  He was always popular with the ladies I was not the focus of his affections.

Roy

Years later I met David, and one evening he mentioned his friend Roy.   I was surprised when we finally met again, but by now my heart was firmly with David.  The years had not been cruel to Roy but my life with David was shorter then it should have been. David was only sixty-five when he got ill, early onset dementia and all its complications.

Our Son, Paul, told me to come and live with them, relax and be Grandma.  I should have listened, double heartache is not good for anyone.  I’m never going to get over David and now I’ve lost Roy who was helping me just get out of bed every day.

As Paul sits down and takes my hand, I can feel the tears racing down my face.  I should not have given another man my heart.  Having lost one man to Dementia and another to the rapid cruelty of Pancreatic Cancer, Roy was gone within weeks of becoming unwell, I am now ready for Paul and his promised ‘Granny Annexe’.

Fountain Lake

The lake has always been the same, I played here with my dad over seventy years ago.  It is a quiet place of serenity. It’s been my go-to place when I’ve needed to think.  Its also the place where David proposed about sixty years ago.

As Paul now puts his coat around me, I start to nod and cuddle up to him.   This is it, I need him and the love of my family.  I need to continue to get out of bed and I will do it for them.  I don’t know how much longer I have but maybe I’ve wasted time.  My youngest great grand child  is just five, little blonde haired Lucy.  I have much to live for and now a day at a time I need to live it.

Here is my fundraising page  if you would like to donate.  Any size donation is appreciated, thankyou!

Written for A story a day for Pancreatic Cancer UK – Just muddling through life