A year ago today, my dad was heavily sedated and we his family were with him.  A few hours earlier today he asked the Community Nurse if he would see Christmas.  He was told no and of course he cried.  It was a few hours later that due to being in so much pain he agreed to take the pain medication which meant, no more conversations with him, ever.  A year ago I spent a restless night sleeping on the floor behind my parents settee.  None of us left him, we all stayed and mum was on the settee next to him.  A year ago was a truly heart breaking time and somehow we all have to face tomorrow,  I will be at work but I haven’t got a clue how I am going to stay strong and professional.

I am writing these stories to help raise awareness and fundraise for  Pancreatic Cancer UK . They are not all cancer related but I’m explaining the reason for writing them on each one.

Lizzie

The door opened and there she stood, covered in mud and laughing.  Always a happy child Lizzie had never been interested in dolls or make up.  More interested in her brothers construction vehicles. The yellow dumper truck interested her more than the wooden rocking horse.  Did it matter that she had now insisted on having all her hair cut short?

Her beautiful blonde curls bounce around her shoulders and I’m reminded again of how much she looks like her dad.   Lizzie and Julian were as close as a father and daughter ever could be.  Taken from us too soon we had both suffered his loss.

From trying to work through our financial mess, to doing my best to support Lizzie.  Trying to keep us both strong, my shield has had to stay firmly up and on guard.  She has returned to school, nurtured by her friends and teachers. However, children can be unnecessarily cruel, they have their families, unable to understand what has happened.

My Shield

Struggling from day to day, with my shield coming down leaving the school gate and up again for work.  In the office I’ve become a robot.    Too many people, who don’t actually care, asking me how I am. My shield goes up around anyone I know, I can’t let them in.  Once I do, I know my inner dam will break and then I won’t be able to carry on.

I have no choice, Lizzie needs me, and she needs to cry, I can’t break now.

Every day I walk the long way to the office from school.  Taking in a circuit of the park and seeing the ducks reflecting in the water is good therapy.  Time for my own thoughts, time away from what is going on.  I sit day after day on the same bench, trying not to wallow but needing the space.  Julian is always there, when I talk, I know he can hear me, he’s sat with me on the bench, and I know he always will be.

Leaving the park, I always feel sad, but the bills need to be paid.  While filing paperwork is not my dream job, we need the money more then ever.

Weekend

The weekend is always special, but it is hard.  I have to keep things safe for Lizzie.  There is no time for myself, spending quality time together, I can’t bear us to be apart when she is not at school.

The two of us are alone, losing Julian was sudden and a shock. Friends have given up on me, that’s if they were friends in the first place. Loss scares people away, they don’t know what to say and so often they say the wrong thing.

Stuck in our cocoon we are safe, closing the door to all those around us.

I know there will be a time when I will need to talk, face my feelings head on.  For me, I’m fighting a hamster wheel of despair.  Lizzie is managing to be brave now and she has cried many tears.   We are nearing a year without him, they say it gets easier in time, I’m not sure if it does.  Just somehow, we accept things differently.  Grief never goes away, it’s a constant reminder of the person we love so much.

Though we can’t see our loved ones, I believe they are there, with us all the time like Angels on our shoulders.  Always watching out, we do need them as they still need us.

Here is my fundraising page, any size donation is appreciated.  Written for A story a day for Pancreatic Cancer UK

I do believe my dad is always with me, I just wish I could actually see him, hold him and have a lengthy conversation.  So often I need his advice but he is no longer here in this world to ask.