Written for Pancreatic Cancer UK – For Everyone Affected by Pancreatic Cancer to fundraise and raise awareness, after losing my lovely dad to this terrible disease in November 2020.

The Park

Have you ever played the game of finding animals in the clouds?  Whether its an elephant or a shark, or maybe a duck billed platypus.  Our imaginations can create a whole world up there.  Sea creatures are maybe the most appropriate.  White cotton animals against a light blue landscape.   Lying here in the park with Libby in my arms we play this game often.  She is giggling, as usual, she loves this game.

Is it a distraction or just play? A way to keep a child occupied, away from life’s pains. The stress of school and homework, life’s chores, and tomorrow’s meeting.  We get out of life what we put in into it, but what if you are someone with so many jobs to do that you are forever saying tomorrow can wait?

Dreams

I had dreams but they were crushed. Aspirations far higher than what I would ever achieve. A confidence, there at ten, diminished by twelve, and gone by sixteen.  The girl who would dance and sing on the school bench who now can’t talk to a group of people without stammering.  Libby has her own dreams and I’m not going to tell her, no you can’t.  At nine we don’t know our future’s, we don’t know what could be.  We need to hold on to our dreams and follow them if we can.

My dream was to be a rock star, a singer and songwriter.  Singing in the garden today, while pulling out the weeds, I became aware that maybe people were listening to me, and I really should have had singing lessons years ago.   We need our focus and sometimes we need to ignore the well -meaning people who say that we can’t. I would have been a different person if I had ignored all life’s put downs.

Back to today, feeling Libby’s warmth I am comforted.  I have a list of jobs longer than my arm, but she takes priority.  Weeks ago, when I finally asked Greg to leave, I didn’t expect things to come to this.  After countless affairs and me taking him back, I got angry and that was it.  I am not going to be walked on anymore.  To much. “Oh Sally, but”.  This time I got mad and threw him out.  Not adding up the financial cost and then the demands to see Libby.

 

The shooting

I have written a list for the meeting, Sally verses Greg, there is no going back.  My mind is playing all this through as I become aware of some loud sharp crashes and then screaming. From the sanctity of cuddling up and talking about the clouds in Western Park, to people lying on the ground and then people on mobile phones.  I could see three men running away, what had happened?

Unable to help, a crowd had already accumulated, I pulled Libby up to walk home.  Trying not to think of the chaos and the park, I thought again of our situation.

It was hours later that my pocket vibrated. I pulled out my phone and seeing my mother in laws name,  my heart sank.

“Hello Josie.”

“Hey Sally, have you heard?”  I could hear she was crying. “It’s Greg.”

I could feel my stomach flutter, what now?

“What’s happened?”

“Sally, he’s dead.”

“Dead, how?” I thought back to the park, no he wasn’t there.

“Greg was walking along Western as three men came charging his way.  There was screaming behind them and instinctively he charged at one of the men”.

He was always trying to be the hero, but rarely the hero with his family.

“Sally, they shot him dead.”

 

A week later

What is it with life?  I now had a funeral to organise and I’m sure his floozies will be there too.  Should I be angry? I don’t know.  Was he insured? No, he wasn’t.  Has my financial situation now hit rock bottom? Yes.

Leaving Libby at school I see the sea of mums, who though they have never spoken to me, all know what has happened.   I don’t need sympathy, especially from people who never spoke with me before.

I’ve spoken more with Josie then I ever have done. Learning that her husband was a cheat too, we had Greg and cheating husbands in common.  She has always adored Libby and I know if I need her she is there for us.

Work had become more mundane then ever.  I wasn’t meant for admin, but that’s where I am.  Printing of letters and sticking them in envelopes, I need to make the move and do something else, but what?  This is a good solid job and I have bills to pay. suddenly my list of chores is just not going to get done.  We need more money.  I also don’t need the pity from work colleagues who have ignored me before.

 

My dreams

Racing from the office to school I see a sign,  ‘Singer wanted, paid opportunity ’.  Could I do this? My singing is okay, but could I?

Collecting Libby, I drag her back to where I saw the sign.  In small letters it had written, ‘Auditions 12^th June.” Checking my watch, I saw the date and realised I had ten minutes to get to the village hall.

Running in I saw Big Les the bar man, who greeted me with a sad smile.

“Hi, I’ve come to audition, am I too late?”

“No love, leave Libby here and take the mic.”

Sitting Libby down with a book, I approach the stage, I can do this.

Thinking of a song this was it, it was mine and Greg’s favourite.

The stage

Singing ‘Abba’s Super trouper’ I could feel the tears prickling at the back of my eyes.  I need to get through this.   It has been many years since I’ve stood on a stage and sang but we need this, no I need this.   A dream that needs to be fulfilled.

As I finish Les is sat with his mouth open, Libby is not reading, she is staring up at me.

“Wow, Sally, you do know this is a pub gig, I want a live performer to liven up the bar and bring in more punters.”

I hadn’t considered nights, was this nights?

“When would you want me?”

“Could we say Friday and Saturday night to start, £10.00 an hour, maybe four hours a night”.

I did need the extra money and an extra £80.00 would help, but I would need to talk to Josie.

“Les can I let you know and get back to you later.  I need to ask Greg’s mum to have Libby those evenings”.

“Of course, please let me know soon as you hopefully start Friday.”

 

A happy ending

You never know where life will end up.  I still have Libby, and Greg’s mum has been wonderful.  Singing at the ‘Red Dragon’ every Friday and Saturday has helped us and it makes the workday more bearable.

I’ve learnt that we need to try and not stress over life’s problems, I was upset over losing Greg, but I had already lost him to blonde Chantel.

Just a day at a time, we will get there, until then keep watching for animals and shapes in the clouds. Still our favourite pastime, but right now in the back garden, not Western Park.

 

Here is my Fundraising page if you would like to donate.  Any size donation is appreciated!

Written for A story a day for Pancreatic Cancer UK – Just muddling through life