running away carer
Fiction writing,  pancreatic cancer

Running away from my life and thoughts

Written for Pancreatic Cancer UK to help fundraise and raise awareness of this terrible illness after losing my dad in November 2020

Running away

Have you ever just wanted to run, run and just keep going?  Away from life, from problems?  from responsibility, work and bills.  Away from school, friends and other people’s judgement.   We all try our best at life, but we all end up at different destinations.  Some are naturally gifted, some are masters of equations, others can spin a fantastic story, and some can raise emotion from their incredible singing.

Today had been one of those days, from sleeping through the alarm, to falling asleep at my desk.  Sleep is hard to come especially when I spend my nights staring at the ceiling.  If Natalie had let me sleep today, I might be thinking clearer this evening.  Rather than holding my throbbing head, wishing I wasn’t lying here.  As everything is in tatters, not going to work tomorrow is appealing.  As friends have given on me, things have gone further downhill.

I’ve sat and diarised my life, and I’ve wrote lists, but things just go round and round.  So, this is it, I need to get off my hamster wheel of desperation.  Put myself first and sort myself out.   We can attend a number of counselling sessions but its only us that can make the change.

I’ve always been bottom of the pile, how do I get to the top? Is education the answer? Or is it more then that?

Days ago, I saw an advert in a magazine, I had dismissed it as who would take a chance on me?   I’ve realised this could be my opportunity to change.  Does it matter if I’m awful? Focusing on my future I must be positive, I need to focus and become the achiever that I want to be.

The Carer

I never imagined I would be doing this. Racing around the supermarket throwing an elderly person’s shopping into my trolley.  Mrs Chubb appeared nice and even sweet, but she was demanding and if I buy a supermarket own brand instead of Cadburys I’ll be in trouble.  Giving back to the community is harder than I imagined.

Giving Mr Smith a morning bed bath, changing his clothes and making him breakfast had become the highlight of my day.  Allocated twenty minutes per patient is not enough.  If I could have less patients and more time with them it would be ideal.

I work a mindless job all week that I can’t afford to give up, and care on a Saturday.   Mrs Chubb, Mr Smith, Mrs France and Mrs Lees are amongst my clients.  If only the care work paid more, as I actually feel fulfilled doing it.  Is caring achieving?  Yes, I think it is.   It’s tough and these amazing people need me.  Patience and ability to listen are part of this job description and not everyone can manage it.

The Administrator

Typing letters and hitting print, over and over is rather tedious.  How am I contributing? Yes, people are getting notified of their appointments and Sandra would still not be able to operate the photocopier. Why do I do this to myself?  It’s easier than taking abuse from Mrs Chubb but I know that she needs me.  Am I needed here? I don’t know.

Happy

I’ve been unhappy for so long, but I knew it was up to me to sort it out.  My pursuit of happiness did not mean finding a man, it was for me to find it elsewhere.  If I hadn’t read that magazine, working for ‘Weekend Care’ wouldn’t have occurred to me.  The fulfilment I feel from helping people is what I need.

My co-workers are not aware of my busy Saturdays. Its my business and they wouldn’t understand.  Life continues, a day at a time but now I’m happy to just run to the weekend rather than running away from my life forever.

 

Here is my fundraising page if you would like to donate.  Any size donation is appreciated.

Written for A story a day for Pancreatic Cancer UK

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