Does anyone else feel like they are sinking?

Feelings of drowning in a pool or in a muddy pit and can’t get out, maybe falling and not quite sure where you might land.

Thoughts and feelings

This is me. We are now in July, my Corona Virus woes started in March. For me this has been an uphill experience. While others are sharing happy photos on Facebook and meeting with friends and family, we are shielding.

After getting frustrated with the new work IT system, resulting in me melting in a sea of tears and anger. I’m aware that my mood and attitude has reached a new low. I need to break the cycle. I need to re-focus and recognise the positives here.

Positives

1. We are still alive.
2. As my husband pointed out this evening, we are still all friends. No major arguments.
3. My nine-year-old is working hard with home school and his teachers are pleased with what he has achieved.
4. We have priority delivery for shopping so I don’t need to go to the supermarket. A task I hate.
5. I haven’t put diesel in the car since about March, hence saving money.
6. I’m rolling out of bed, having breakfast and then straight to work in my pyjamas. Why bother getting dressed? I’m not going anywhere.
7. I’ve learnt loads helping to teach my son.

Negatives

Some of these are unexpected. I loved this to start with, but now four months in it is getting harder.
1. I can’t see family or friends. Yes, there are bubbles but the risks if I catch it are high.
2. My seven-year-old is struggling to focus on home-school. Despite me being a keyworker, she can’t return to school due to shielding.
3. Due to my seven year old refusing to work, it is impacting my nine year old. Why should he work when his sister isn’t? We are now entering a new battle every day.
4. For now, I’m glad that I work part time. Working and managing home school is not an easy task.

Inner turmoil

5. I’m at a point where I keep crying. No, I don’t want counselling and no I’m not going mad. Reading Facebook doesn’t help me and the news makes me more stressed.
6. News today, if shielding in the UK, is unpaused then the children are back to home school. As much as I’ve loved teaching my nine-year-old, he is in year five in September. Surely, he needs his teacher, not his mum working her hardest to balance everything and maybe not managing as well as she should. Then I wonder if my husband is shielded again how supportive will my work be. The thought of moving into a hotel fills me with dread, especially as I know my family would not cope without me.

Holidays

7. I’m dreading the school holidays. Weeks more of computer games. I have considered pretending that school goes on for longer. Surely, more maths and writing won’t hurt them. More excuses to push reading. I need other ideas of what they can do whilst I’m working, or while I’m on holiday what we can do that doesn’t involve seeing other people.

Other people

Reading others experiences at this time, I know I’m not the only who feels like this. Problem is though, few seem to understand. The inner panic when I need to drive somewhere. The sick feeling when I have to see someone other than the family I live with. I had to see a work colleague face to face this morning. She was wearing a mask but I still felt nervous.

I know this time will pass, but for now I can’t concentrate and the stress hurts. My writing is being affected and I just want to cry and scream. I’m aware that we are actually lucky, others have things far worse than us. It is important to keep a sense of perspective.

I’m sure that the reason I feel like this is that I just want my freedom back. I want to race to the shops and not worry about harming my husband. I want the normality of the school run and to see the teachers.  To see my patients without the discussion about the terrible situation we are in right now and to see my friends and for the children to see theirs.

This can’t go on forever and the number of deaths in the UK is coming down. I need to keep positive and not break down over the new work technology.

However, is anyone else, feeling forgotten?

I have very few people genuinely checking on me. Though admittedly I’m so tied up in my own worries that I rarely check on others. Maybe I need to start going through my contacts and check everyone. Thing is though, where is the time? This is probably why no one is checking on me, they haven’t got time either.

Life right now is going at a new pace and yes I’m blaming the virus.

For more see, A need to be liberated, a cry for freedom

My other blog, Life in the time of a pandemic and writing

The turtles above were drawn by my nine-year-old son.