The night shift is always hard. I stare into those bright blue eyes looking back at me. His delicate soft hand holding mine. Glancing at the clock Its 2am and I want to be asleep, but the love for this little man drives me on to provide for him. The cries in the night, the need for mummy, the need to be comforted and held. I never imagined how hard having a baby really is.

We have had nights where the exhaustion and crying were so bad that we worked out that white noise would console him. Yes, leaving him swaddled in the Moses basket with the vacuum cleaner going actually made him stop crying. However, impossible for us to sleep with the noise.

Spending our days in each other’s company, a cosy closeness. Mummy cuddles and adoring looks. The smiles that completely melts a mother’s heart. Nap time, where I could watch him sleep in his pram and feel grateful for him. The night before forgotten, where I could crawl back to bed for a little while.

I don’t think any of us can really know what it’s like to be a mum for the first time. The tears, the wailing, the nappies, the feeding, the constant demands, the worries, the cliquey baby groups, the health visitors. The hope for a friend to be there and listen, to understand what you are going through. The advice from parents and in laws. Sometimes bad advice but as a new mum what advice do you take? Well, I followed my heart, that was all I could do and tried my best.

Doing the night shift for my son soon passed, sitting in his room by his cot feeding him. Kindle in my hand, willing him to fall back to sleep. Daddy still snoring, warm in bed, whilst I sat and shivered. The times that he finished feeding and fell asleep then as I placed him gently back in his cot he would wake again and start crying.

Maybe a mother’s torment. I just wanted to get out and get warm, but no. Nights now, baby in my arms with my blanket around me, sat on his bean bag. No space for a nice nursing chair.

After the tiredness and work of my first, I then had a second baby. A different personality who did not sleep much during the day and was often awake at night. Yes, the mum exhaustion was great. I now proudly had a double pushchair that I pushed them both around in. The children loved it. Trips to the town and trips to the zoo. They would call to each other across the pushchair.

They both enjoyed the Zoo. My son would climb out and start running off. They both loved the monkeys the big cats and elephants. Me, tired, pushing one and shouting at the other to stop running.

Those days when they were both confined to the pushchair were so much easier. I knew exactly where they were. Now they both disappear frequently in shops, leaving me praying that they are safe. Two blonde haired, blue eyed children, both very trusting despite all my warnings.

The double pushchair was heavy, but we must have walked miles. It was great for loading the shopping underneath. Despite all my efforts to take them out though, and despite times asleep in the pushchair. My daughter would wake most nights, forcing me once again to do the night shift.

As a mummy, looking at that tiny bundle in your arms feeding at a crazy hour of the morning, it is hard to describe the love. Despite the tiredness and the cold, you would do anything for your little one. It is a strong tie that nobody can come between. You will fight for them and do pretty much anything for them. I worry over mine constantly though actually, they are doing well.

Now at ages five and seven, they are both happy at school, their school reports could not have been much better. My son is exceeding in Maths, I’m not sure how as Maths is my weakest subject.  They do honestly make me very proud to be their mummy. I will never forget doing the cold night shift and one day I’m sure my daughter will face it too. Not sure about my son, depends if he wakes up and helps. I’m sure some dads do, but daddy here quite rightly said, well what can I do? The answer was nothing really. I had baby and I had my Kindle.

So, now there are still nights where my daughter will wake. It’s usually me that will wake up to help her. Once more, doing the night shift, whether it’s a wet bed, being sick, or coughing fit, I am there once more doing my best. As mummy that is all, we can do. A few weeks ago, she had a very bad coughing fit and I was raising her pillows, then I spoon fed her some honey.

Willing her to be well enough for school the next day as I had a full workday arranged. Balancing work commitments and child commitments are not always easy. My five year old would have happily stayed at home that day but I took her to school. Advising them that honey had helped with her coughing and worried that my phone was going to ring. It didn’t and she managed her school day. I have now learnt that raising her pillows really helps to stop the coughing.

So, what would I advise mums doing the night shift? It does get easier eventually and those nights will become memories. Enjoy baby and the cuddles now as they grow up too soon. My mobile phone and Kindle helped me, but also don’t forget Facebook groups where other mums might be awake at the same early hour as you, and happy to chat.  Especially if they are in a different time zone.  Follow your heart and mummy instinct with all the advice thrown at you. You have to do what is right for you and your own sanity. Most of all enjoy your baby, enjoy the journey because it is a fantastic one to take.

Written for Blog battle Shift

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