• Confidence let me down here

    Thursday self confidence

    Another Thursday, another cold wet day. It started in the same way. Same issues with the children. My son insisted he wanted to wear his trainers to school (as he had left his shoes at school yesterday). I told him he was not to wear his nice trainers for rugby. I can hand wash his plimsolls. His trainers are a bit more work. My daughter again cried when I brushed her hair.

    Once at school, we were putting down their bags in the hall ready for the breakfast club. I realised my daughter had smuggled her pretty notepad and ‘My little Pony’ pencil case into school. I took them off her and she cried. One of the teaching assistants helped me to calm her down, I didn’t want to leave them at school as they are pretty and she would be very upset if she lost them.  My daughter is a little magpie when it comes to pretty things and I’m sure there are other magpies in her class. She came home with another hair clip today, proudly wearing it in her hair.

    So today 25 years ago I started my first job, other than a paper round or picking strawberries.  I was a very timid 17 year old, I had dreams and a boyfriend who I imagined I would spend the rest of my life with. Life does not often follow the path you think it will and mine certainly hasn’t.  25 years ago I could have chosen to attend college and pursue a career that I could still have been doing today. It would have been three years of study, why didn’t I do it?  Fear played a big part. The fear of failure, the fear that if I if I could not do the course I would be unemployed.  

    I didn’t pursue that career, I did A levels and a university degree at evening classes instead, whilst doing my full-time job with plans of teaching, a total of 8 years of study.  Confidence let me down here,  I could not stand in front of a class of children.

    Life brings us so many choices, we never know for certain if we have made the right ones. 25 years ago I spent my day learning a new job and I might have cleaned some shelves. Today I visited some lovely people, discussed their health and made a very nice elderly man laugh.  I’ve spent a total of 23 and a half years in the NHS and I’ve cried plenty of tears. However, the people that I meet in my daily job are amazing.  I have played four different roles over the years and this is the best one.

    We never know for certain why things happen the way they do. My boyfriend when I was 17 did not end up being my life partner liked I hoped he would.  There was more heartbreak before I met my husband nearly 13 years ago (February 2006).  Does it matter that I am on the same pay scale now that I was on about 20 years ago? What actually does success mean? 25 years ago I wanted a job that was worthwhile and makes a difference. Today I help make people feel a bit better about themselves, my patients are what matters.

    My experience has shown me just how important school and self-confidence is. I have been in self-destruct mode most of my life.  I have to help give a presentation in a few weeks and I’ve been worrying about it for a while now, I get very stressed and my mind goes blank. This is one reason that I’m stuck on the same pay band. I keep telling myself there is a reason for everything and maybe I’m just not supposed to have the stress of a higher pay band.

    I try and encourage and support my children, I don’t want them to have the same fears that I do.  They do try so hard and when they fall, I try to quickly pick them up.  They are both confident today, if they have the same confidence in 20 years they will both go far. When I encourage them with their reading and homework I do it because I know how important it all is.  

    I got upset with my 7 year old this evening because his reading book is at school. His spellings are stapled to the book I write in for him.  He is in the top group for spelling, his spellings this week were hard. All week he has been refusing to practice them. This evening I intended to spend time revising them before his test tomorrow. He has now left the book at school so we are not going to be able to go over them. Tomorrow he is going to be upset when he does not get 10 out of 10, but without his book, I can’t help him.

    My little girl was happier today and she ate more of her dinner tonight, she says she had pizza at school.  My son did not do as he was told with his trainers, yes he wore them for rugby.  They are filthy and no I’m not impressed, again why do my kids not do as they are told? And why don’t they look after their property? We found out tonight that he had left his coat at school. Hopefully, it will be found tomorrow.

    Both kids went straight to bed tonight. I am grateful that bedtime seems to be getting easier. Just hope they continue to be good. My daughter is insisting on leaving her bedroom light on all night and I don’t have an answer to what to do about it.  I have considered a smart bulb so she can ask Alexa to turn her light on and off without moving in bed.  However, at 5 years old I am sure she will abuse that pleasure and her room will soon be a disco in the day.  A night light is no good as the only plug socket in her room is located behind her bed,  any ideas here? Because I do not have any.  Getting up at 3am in the morning to put her light on is no fun.

    So 25 years ago today I did not imagine I would be here today. I was not aware of the troubles and hard work ahead.  I have maybe another 25 years of my working life to go, I wonder how they will play out.  Will I still be doing the same role and how much will it change? Will we still have an NHS? I really hope so.

    None of us know our futures, I don’t think I want to know mine. There are things I wouldn’t have done had I known the end result, however,  life is all an experience and life is what we make it.

    So a bit of a longer post tonight, the kids are asleep and I am now going to get some rest. Tomorrow is Friday, another day and more challenges are on their way, plus the daily ongoing stress of being mum.

    See also, Thursday Sniffles, https://justmuddlingthroughlife.co.uk/2018/11/22/thursday-sniffles/

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